The Sweet Hell Within

2006-12-04T12:50:00.000-08:00

Nothing has really changed recently. I am still who I am, but whether that is good or not is anyone's bet. Certain patterns in my life keep repeating, which gets old after awhile. I feel like I'm trapped in the holiday classic Groundhog Day.

Finals are in a week and a half, which is a frightening thought. Next semester promises to be good - busy, but a good kind of busy. I am student directing the spring play, directing a one-man show, and hopefully directing a one-act. But before I can enjoy next semester, I must survive multiple presentations, a Lit Crit paper, and finals.

So I'm plodding along, hoping that I don't mess up God's plan for my life, and looking forward to Christmas break and NYC.

2006-09-06T20:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated in so long! I'm quite sorry. Well, I got the kitten that I wanted! We named him Othello. Here he is:

School is going well. The semester will be fun and work-intensive, but it will certainly fly by. I'm directing a one-act, which is "delightful!" There's a funny story about the word "delightful," but I'm too tired to tell it now. Good night!

2006-07-13T12:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I have fallen in love. With a kitten, that is. He is a wee black kitten named Africa (sounds a tad racist) that I met at Petco a few weeks ago. I've gone back to visit him a few times to make sure that he is still there. He is so playful - he batted me in the face! Now that's true love.

We were planning to adopt him this upcoming Tuesday, but when we were there two days ago, the girl working told us that if we wanted to adopt him we would also have to adopt the older cat whose cage Africa was sharing. Apparently the older cat, Blue Jay, is skittish, and Africa helps keep him calm. We couldn't adopt both, because Nala wouldn't be able to handle such a change. Well, I must admit, I cried. No, I didn't bawl or wail or keen as the Irish do. I fought it, so just a few tears escaped from my eyes. He would have been the perfect companion for Nala. I already had a name picked out for him. I mean, who thought that it was a good idea to name a black cat Africa? So I was going to name him Leo, because he looks like a little black LEOpard.

Hopefully Mama and I can use all of our charming and persuasive negotiating tactics, learned on the streets of Chinatown ('Five dollar. Five dollar.' 'I'll give you two dollars.' 'Alright, for you, I make it three dollar'). I think that we can haggle our way into getting Leo. Hopefully in my next post I will be including a picture of an adorable leopard-like kitten....

2006-07-03T07:34:00.000-07:00

Well, nothing too new is going on with me.... I always think of things during the day that would make for interesting blog entries. But once I sit down at the computer... Poof! They're all gone! So, I just thought that I should post something, even though it shan't be terribly profound or interesting.

I visited the little kittens at Petco yesterday. I really want to get this little gray one that I saw. I hope that she is still there after the kitchen remodeling is done. We can't get her before it's finished, because otherwise she will probably be traumatized for life (like Nala is).

The reading update: I finished Beloved. It was very well-written. I certainly didn't enjoy reading it, but it was fascinating in the same way that a car wreck is morbidly fascinating. I am hoping to start Heart of Darkness today (another Lit Crit book). This morning I read "A Perfect Day for Bananafish" in Salinger's Nine Stories. Oh my, how I do love J. D.

I am preparing myself for a day spent with my extended family tomorrow. I had been trying to get out of it, but it's looking like I'll be chillin' with Uncle Ross and Aunt Stella.... Hopefully everyone will behave. But that may be a bit much to ask.

Mama and I are going downtown today to check out the Regatta. It should be a good time! Ciao, baby!

2006-06-26T09:11:00.000-07:00

I finished Franny and Zooey. Quite the fascinating read. I saw a lot of myself in Franny, which is a tad unnerving. Maybe it's characteristic of all twenty-year-old girls in college to have a low soul-searching period of questioning the "realness" of others, though. Jennifer, the would-have-been perfect English major, has highly recommended Salinger's Nine Stories, so I am hoping to get that book and begin soon.

Now I'm reading Toni Morrison's Beloved for Lit Crit next semester. I'm over half-way done, and I'm torn. It is certainly a well-written book. And it highlights universal elements of the human condition. The aspects of literature and theatre that I most love are depictions of the human condition, so I appreciate Beloved for that. However, it is incredibly raw and sensual in an animalistic way, complete with instances of bestiality and other perversities, which are quite disturbing. I am interested to see how the story ends, though.... I'll let you know when I finish.

We are having our kitchen remodeled right now. So Nala, my kitty, has been living in my room for about a week or so. She is the definition of a "scaredy cat," and she is the only cat I have ever known who growls... a lot. It is a little like camping. My mom has set up a little kitchenette in the family room, and the past week has been quite the adventure.

Well, I'm off. Time to clean my room and do some eBay selling...

2006-06-13T11:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I finished Anna Karenina. The first three-quarters of the book were interesting. I kept falling asleep during the last part, though. (Warning: spoiler ahead.) I mean, after she commits suicide, why does Tolstoy have another sixty pages of Levin's philosophical soul searching? Really, he should have wrapped it up in ten pages. Oh, well.

On a happier note, I had a delightful birthday! My parents and extended family certainly helped to make it very special. My parents gave me some wonderful books on filmmaking and two books by Uta Hagen on acting (recommended by Monica). And lots of other specimens of loveliness.

Oh, and I planted my herb garden! We'll have some happy cooking this summer!

Hmmm.... I believe that is all. Now I'm reading Salinger's Franny and Zooey. Delightful thus far! However, that's what I said about Anna Karenina at the beginning, too. Well, we will just have to wait and see, won't we?

2006-06-05T20:40:00.000-07:00

What have I been doing with myself for the past two weeks? Well, let me tell you.

Last week I visited my grandparents in Florida, which was lovely. It was probably the best visit that I've ever had with them. This past Saturday I went to Kennywood with a few friends. We shrieked, we laughed, we cried. All right, we didn't actually cry, but it was a mighty swell time.

And I've been reading Anna Karenina. I had never read it before, so it's about time. I'm on page 521. Only a few hundred left....

That's it for now. I'm going to get some sleep before my exciting day tomorrow. If it's as exciting as I hope, I'll be sure to write about it soon.

2006-05-04T11:07:00.000-07:00

Opening night of the TAP One-Act Festival!

Four Square in the courtyard last night.

Confused and melancholy.

2006-04-23T23:29:00.000-07:00

What a wondrously strange weekend. Most of what I had planned to do (socially and academically) did not come to fruition. But I thoroughly enjoyed myself (Scott's launching of "invigorating tamarind nectar" hand lotion about Eat 'n Park was a highlight), and I feel rejuvenated for another week.

I searched my soul quite a bit this weekend. I feel much more at peace than I have for some time. The chat with Kayla on Friday night was extremely helpful. I considered what she said, and analyzed many of my girlish ideals that have accumulated over the past few years, and came to many startling, yet relieving, revelations. What blissful peace.

So if you are reading this, Kayla, thank you for chatting. And if you are reading this, Scott, thank you for launching hand lotion in Eat 'n Park.

2006-04-11T07:53:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh, the joys of break!

Thus far I have watched 3 films: Love Actually, Zelary (a Czech film), and Elizabethtown (an old friend). Fantastic.

I have also been reading ... for fun! I am reading The Moviegoer for the first time. After I finish that, I am hoping to read Anna Karenina (another classic that I can't believe I have never read!), but who knows whether or not that will happen.

Sleep + interesting films + good books = one lovely break.

2006-04-09T14:57:00.000-07:00

I want to be like Claire (Kirsten Dunst's character) from Elizabethtown. She is quirky, cute, and isn't afraid to say exactly what she feels. I certainly have to work on saying exactly what I feel. Sometimes I am so tempted to "let the chips fall where they may" and just say what I think to those of the opposite gender ("I LIKE YOU!"), even if it is extremely risky.

I want to take risks and just let a guy know how I feel. I've been getting a bit better at that recently. But for every forward step I take, I seem to take seven cowardly steps back. I just don't want to be embarrassed if I reveal my feelings and they are met by derision. So I run away from those whom I like.

Secretly, I'm afraid that no one could be interested in me, so if I don't reveal my feelings, at least I won't be embarrassed by rejection. It's self-protection. And it's cowardly.

As a result, here I sit at home on break, wondering how I can take risks and act in the confidence that perchance someone somewhere is interested in me.

Oh, to be like Claire.... Any advice, golb friends?

2006-04-04T07:24:00.000-07:00

So it turns out that you have to be careful what you write online.

When I started using this golb, I thought (in a moment of weakness), "Gee, wouldn't it be amusing if I created a mock profile?" So my little description said, "Since I'm a Philistine, I'm only going to college to find a husband and have lots of you-know-what." I thought that it was amusing, since anyone who knows me knows that I am not like that. I realized later, though, that if a passing acquaintance is looking at my profile, he/she may not know that I was trying to be amusing. I really don't want people to think that my favorite movie is A Walk to Remember and that Jessica Simpson is my favorite musician because of her meaningful lyrics.

I decided that it was time to be semi-serious, so I truthfully filled in my profile.

But the computer was devilish! It wouldn't change the brief description that appears next to my golb entries. So it still basically said that I was a ditz looking for sex! How embarrassing.... The computer finally decided to cooperate, though, so now I no longer have to hide my face in shame.

I have learned my lesson. I will never again post anything that would make Pastor Dennis blush. Or will I.....?

2006-04-03T09:30:00.000-07:00

'Twas a good weekend.

I applied for a job at Borders. I hope they take me. I have wanted to work there since Mom and I started going to Borders after school when I was 13.

I read Dinner with Friends this weekend. Now that is a play for our times. It addresses love, divorce, superficiality, honesty, and the fleetingness of relationships. Hopefully I will get to direct and act in it with a few friends for an independent study next semester. It would be good for Grovers to be stretched and challenged.... Oh, who am I kidding? I just want to get credit for acting and directing with friends!

2006-03-26T09:59:00.000-08:00

I would like to let out a whooping "Huzzah!" in honor of spontaneous moments of joy.

That is what the theatre gives: moments of joy. It isn't like a sculpture or a painting that provides centuries of joy. Theatre is fleeting. So simply savor every second.

2006-03-23T23:12:00.000-08:00

God is phenomenal.

He has provided me with a roommate for next year. I was despairing of finding a roommate at all, let alone a kindred spirit... But now I'm going to live with Nike Baker! We met each other when we traveled to Dr. Brown's church one Sunday last semester, and now we're going to live together. I am confident that we are indeed "kindred spirits," as Anne would say. I love the way that God works!

This was exactly what I needed - reassurance that God does have a plan for me. I've been going through a "dark night of the soul" recently, and I'm thankful that God reminded me that all will be well. He has a plan for me. And He knows the inmost desires of my heart.

I have thoroughly enjoyed working on Pirates of Penzance. The performances are going well, and I am so proud of everyone. I will be glad when the show is done, though. I am looking forward to having time to read "for pleasure" and to probing within myself. I think that I need a period of self-examination, which is what I plan to do when the show's done.

See, God does have a plan. Maybe I wasn't meant to get into Children's Theatre or One-Acts so that I could have the opportunity to grow.

Very cliched. Very dense.

2006-03-21T07:35:00.000-08:00

I almost made a friend last night. It was around one in the morning. I was sitting on the chapel stairs that face the chapel garden (and good ol' Pew), when suddenly a small gray cat padded up to me. It clearly wanted to be petted, rolling around on the step in front of me. But I didn't pet it. Why? Because I've been taught that it isn't safe to pet stray animals. So instead of making a friend, I did the safe, socially correct thing.

I've always done the safe thing. So much for being safe. From now on, I scoff in the face of conventionality. Farewell, conventions!

So.... How do I go about this new life?

2006-03-10T07:35:00.000-08:00

Oh, my! Elanor wrote the "h-word" on her blog.... What's the world coming to? Quick, get some soap! We must wash the filth from her mouth (or typing fingers, as the case may be) before it's too late!

Alas, dear friends, it may be too late. For in the words of Walt Whitman:

"Now in a moment I know what I am for, I awake...
Never again leave me to be the peaceful child I was before what there in the night,
By the sea under the yellow and sagging moon,
The messenger there aroused, the fire, the sweet hell within,
The unknown want, the destiny of me."

This passage from the poem "Out of the Cradle Endlessly Rocking" depicts the tumult of my soul in a way that nothing else has. Perhaps another time I will explain why this passage resonates with me, or perhaps I won't. For the time being I'll let Whitman's words speak for me, and I'll cease my scribbling.